Sue me for libel!

Sarah Palin looks like she did farm porn to pay for college. Then she found Jesus. It took a while though, because - funnily enough - Jesus wasn't hiding out on the end of a barnyard animal's penis.

Funny thing happened on the way to the downrising....

Listened to The Roots' Rising Down tonight. Unbelievably good. The Roots at their darkest and angriest. But something struck me while listening to it, which is this: It takes balls the size of blue whales to let SOMEONE ELSE have the first verse on your album. Listen to the track "Rising Down" (track 2, track 1 on The Roots' albums are always intros), and the first voice you hear is not Black Thought but the mighty mighty Mos Def. Not that Mos Def isn't so unbelievably bad ass that he should have the first word on EVERY ALBUM EVER MADE, but that's a really fucking gutsy move.

Also, they have Talib Kweli on as a hook man. "I Will Not Apologize" clearly features Talib's voice in the chorus, but he is not featured on a verse or even given a guest credit on the song. Talib fucking Kweli, one of the most gifted lyricists in hip-hop, just saying "I will not apologize" on the hook to your song.

We get it, The Roots. We surrender. You win. Take everything you want, just don't hurt us.

Party like the uninteresting bitch that you are...

I am thoroughly sick of hearing people describe themselves as "rock stars". This was cute and fun when the Shop Boys started it last summer with the fun-if-you're-not-paying-attention Party Like A Rock Star. Everyone had fun, no one was seriously injured.

But now you've got people describing themselves as "rock stars" ad nauseum. At work, every time there is a drinking function, you've got massive throngs of men and women who all look exactly the same, saying the exact same fucking things "Oh yeah, we've been partying really hard, you know us, we're rock stars, we've gotta party like rock stars" et fucking cetera.

Guess what, frat boys and sorority sisters? You're not rock stars, you are uninteresting drunk retards. You partied like a rock star, huh? Did you fuck someone with a mud shark? Did you snort a half ounce of cocaine of a random person's genitals, then spit in their face and down a fifth of scotch? No? That's okay, rock stars don't party that hard these days anyway, but let me ask you this: Are you in a band, a musician, or in any way involved with music? No? Well then...

YOU ARE NOT A FUCKING ROCK STAR, YOU ARE A CIVILIAN. DEAL WITH IT.

I am super sorry that figuring out 4 chords on an electric guitar (let alone plucking out a rhythm on a bass) was too hard for you, but if you can't do that, you are not even in the running to be a rock star. Why don't you try to be yourself? Is that hard? To be a hard partying accountant? "Yeah, you know me man, I've gotta party like a CPA." Or: "You know me, I love the booze and crystal meth. I've gotta party like fuckin' (fill in name). You know.. me." No, because people aren't comfortable with being themselves. Not now, not then, not ever. Civilians feel the need to co-opt themselves onto whatever strong image they can find, rather than being strong themselves.

Also, I should note that rappers, electronic musicians, DJs, and the like obviously get to refer to themselves as rock stars. Just because they are not traditional musicians does not mean that they are not "rock stars". Rapping is hard, anyone who says otherwise is an idiot asshole who has never tried. It takes discipline and practice to be a rapper, a DJ, produce hip-hop beats or electronic music of any kind. Again, anyone who says otherwise has a marginal IQ and has never tried it for themselves.

When life rains shit on you...

Have you ever felt like life was raining shit on you? Or, perhaps, you went to work one day and a sewer drain had been clogged by paper towels and you literally had shit and piss raining down on your freshly shaven skull? Those are good times, my friends, good times indeed. And in honor of those good times, I would like to offer some of the following selections for you to enjoy when life is figuratively (or, as happens shockingly often in my case, literally) raining shit on you:

Pantera - The Great Southern Trendkill - I am not a huge Pantera fan. I used to be WAY into them, and have even tried to get into them again recently, to no avail. But when these guys are on, they are fucking ON. Case in point: The Great Southern Trendkill. While wildly uneven, if you have ever been so pissed off your sking is crawling, there is absolutely no better song to listen to than Suicide Note pt. 2. Have you ever fucking heard that song? It is the sound of pure homicidal rage. Also good tracks: War Nerve, Living Through Me (Hell's Wrath), and Floods.

Cephalectomy - The Dream Cycle Mythos - Unbelievable. This is the only band that I have heard sucessfully capture the nightmarish energy and introspective horror of the Elder Gods through music. This is, quite literally, the sound of villiany. One of the greatest unsung bands in modern metal. The lyrics are apparently the straight text from the H.P Lovecraft story, but you can't really tell, as this guy has one of the most guttural voices in death metal. But the atmosphere is so thick you could cut it with a knife for the duration of this 29+ minute single track of pure hell from space. It will turn you into one cold motherfucker, good for prepping for/dealing with a hard day at work or at home.

The Rollins Band - Rise Above: 24 Songs To Benefit The West Memphis Three - Hardly anyone has heard of this record, but JESUS MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST!!! If you are a fan of The Flag, it is incomprehensible how good this record is. If you are not, this is a great primer, as it has people who are probably singers you like, if not your favorite singers, singing Black Flag classics. (Examples: Neil Fallon, Mike Patton, Casey Chaos, Iggy "fucking" Pop,Corey Taylor, Lemmy Kilmister, Cedric Bixler, Ice T, Tom Araya) Seriously, this should have been record of the year on EVERYBODY'S fucking lists, but it was released to little fanfare, and so went largely unnoticed. This is music designed for anyone who has ever been pissed off, ever. Jeff Moriera (of the band Poison The Well) singing "I've Had It" is the most brutal, cleansing thing I have ever heard in my life. And I don't even like Poison The Well.

So, that's pretty much all I have right now. This blog is basically going to be my feelings about music, things that are getting under my skin, and general opinions and philosophies. Hope you enjoy it and all that jazz. See you next time.