But if the night had a knife wound...

You know who is motherfucking great?

Two Gallants.

I don't know what alt-country is, but that's the term I think of when I hear these guys. It's a guitarist/vocalist and a drummer. Sparse as it gets, but the songwriter for the group (whomever it may be) is one of the best songwriters of this generation. I pray to god that sometime in the future (if there is a future, keep your fingers crossed for a nice 2012 armageddon!) there are college classes dissecting the lyrics to What The Toll Tells alone. And I say that as someone who rarely pays attention to any lyrics, as they generally all sound like they were torn from a Jr. High student's Mead Composition notebook. The lyrics/songwriting are that fucking good, they can make an old hater like me pay attention.

The fact that I don't know who is in this band or who writes the songs is not borne of ignorance, I would like to add. The problem is that these days, doing any research into a band is bound to disappoint you. You hear a new band that you love, they're hitting all the right emotional notes and you think you've just found the saviors of rock 'n' roll/hip-hop/atonal new-jazz/what-have-you.. and then you check out their myspace page. Turns out it's just a group of super-fruity dorks who are doing the whole goddamn thing as a joke. Or they don't believe in what they do as fervently as you do. Or whatever.

Now, I don't mean to say I think Two Gallants are lightweight or doing it for the sake of douchery. You can't be this good and not understand what the fuck time it is. But that is the case for too many goddamn bands these days. Even when I'm writing reviews for bands, I am loathe to check out anything about the band beyond what professional courtesy dictates. Especially if I like them.

That's why I am a huge fan of the collapse of the record industry. Not because I am against people making money, mind you, but because I hope that once the millions of dollars are off the table, the people who see making a demo as an investment in future Cribs appearances will move on to acting or prostitution or whatever the fuck the next big industry is and leave my fucking music alone. I'd like to see a music world where even if you suck ass, you at least believe in what you're doing, and you're not sucking ass because you're gunning for a huge paycheck (we're looking at you, Smashmouth).

And, really, fuck making millions from acting - or sports - while we're at it. I was watching the world baseball tournament on a break at work recently when the color commentator mentioned that the players from the Dutch team had to ask for extra days off of work so they could continue on in the series. That's right, professional baseball players for a national team have day jobs. That made me seriously happy in my heart. Because you shouldn't make millions of dollars a year based on your ability to knock a fucking ball around a lawn. The same way you shouldn't make millions of dollars a year to pretend to be another person, or because you can strum a couple of chords on a six-string.

Don't get me wrong. I love sports, albeit I love playing them and not watching them. I love movies. And I fucking love music. I'm a musician myself, and I sure as fucking shit don't play because I hope it will get me a platinum bathtub someday. I play because that's what I do. The same way a real actor would be doing $5 matinees at a community theater if the movie industry collapsed. The same way a real athlete would be playing on a loosely organized against other loosely organized teams on the weekends if the professional sports system was the latest victim of the latest recession. Or the same way real writers are just doing it for free on blogs in their spare time, now that the print industry has collapsed.

But back to my original point: Two Gallants. Check 'em out. Now. Your ears deserve it.

With a little help..

Upon re-reading this blog, I notice that I am prone to repeating certain points; such as post-racialism, what I like about the Republicans, and my love for Eric Holder. I just wanted to let you know that this is not because I am trying to pound my agenda into your heads, dear readers. Rather, it is because 90% of the blogs are posted when I am fucking hammered.

My brain, while swimming in a sea of bourbon, will cry out to me: "The internet needs to know how you feel about Rush Limbaugh!" And my body obeys, unquestioningly. I am, quite frankly, amazed that any of my posts thus far are even legible, much less meaningful. But, somehow, they are. And I would like to thank you for reading them, people whom I know are reading my blog - AND people whom I don't know that are still reading this blog. I promise to try and be less hammered in the future, as it seems to affect my general writing ability as well as my health.

Cheers.

Because of all the anal rape..

I used to do drugs.

I am not a recovering addict.

Nor am I one of those drugs = marijuana and mushrooms kind of guys.

There are very few drugs I can think of that I haven't done, on a professional (i.e. extremely heavy) level. Cocaine, heroin, crystal meth, non-crystal meth, ketamine, mescaline, ecstasy, prescription drugs, you fucking name it. The only drugs I haven't done are PCP and DMT. The only drug I have ever been addicted to was herion, because heroin is the only drug you can physically be addicted to. I have never felt, mentally, that I needed a drug. Heroin will make you physically sick as fuck if you don't have it, and even that can be overcome with some good music and a nice brick of hash/bag of marijuana.

That is why I am not a recovering addict: I have never felt, psychologically, that I needed any drug. Once I stopped doing drugs, I have never felt a compulsion to go back to them.

But the other day, I saw a commercial that featured this gem: "Meth.. the cause of all your problems" or some silly nonsense like that. That commercial has it all wrong, and take it from me, your former drug user guru:

DRUGS ARE NOT THE PROBLEM, DRUGS ARE THE SOLUTION TO YOUR PROBLEMS.

Are you behind on your bills? Maybe your relationship with your wife/girlfriend/parents/kids/friends isn't all you hoped it would be? Does your job demand too much of you? Or maybe, just maybe, life itself has just got you in a rut? That's alright, a solution is at hand. And that solution is..

DRUGS.

Drugs will single handedly solve all your problems. Well.. they won't solve them. But they will consolidate them. A sincere drug user will not be bothered by petty problems like bills, human relationships, or life in general. Their only concern is the drugs. Crystal Meth will single handedly obliterate all of life's problems and replace them with one central message: GET MORE CRYSTAL METH.

Nothing else will matter.

And this applies to any drug you can work up a sincere affinity for. As long as it has enough grip on you to consume your every waking moment, you've got a serious problem consolidator. The half-human pieces of shit you see on the evening news, living in unspeakable squalor, children unfed, no electricity, no water, no hope.. they aren't hapless, uneducated junkies: the are problem consolidators. They had too many problems, and through good old fashioned American Ingenuity, they were able to work all of those problems down to one problem: DRUGS.

These people are the American Dream.

Girl, you know it's true.

If there was justice in the world..

Right now someone should be shooting Mick Jagger in the fucking face while shouting: "This is for the soundtrack to Invocation Of My Demon Brother, you fucking twat!"

Missed the fucking point, bro

I just heard the worst song I've probably ever heard. It's by this band, Theory Of A Deadman. I don't know what it was called, I heard it on.. ugh.. rock radio. I should probably point out that I listen to NPR if I'm listening to the radio. Failing that, I'm usually listening the Michael Baysden show, slow jam R&B, or our totally fucking badass independent radio station 88.1 KDHX. But NOT rock radio. Not modern rock, not classic rock, fucking none of it. Because it sucks. Bad.

There are no good bands that are getting airplay on modern rock radio, and I mean fucking NONE. And classic rock radio needs to get some new fucking classic rock. It's the same 25 fucking bands and they only play the singles. AC/DC had tons of killer songs, and yet, if you listened to classic rock radio, you would think all they ever did was "Back In Black", "You Shook Me All Night Long", and maybe "TNT".

Anyway, that's besides the point.

Theory Of A Deadman. Some fucking stupid song. The lyrics begin with this crazy awesome proclamation of defiance against this modern society we live in (presented here as best as I can remember them):

I can't stand homeless people
always askin' for change
I've gotta work while
they sit on their ass and get paid

Woah dude! You just fucking blew my mind! Especially since you HAVE TO GIVE HOMELESS PEOPLE CHANGE! It's like the fucking law or something. And you nailed that part, Theory Of A Deadman, nailed that part where homeless people make MAD BANK! I mean, it's like, they could get houses from all the money they were making, but then they would stop raking in all that fuckin' jack, you know? Because it's like, you're busting your ass and only making enough to afford a gram of crystal meth a week, and those homeless guys just sit around, hands out, and collectively account for at least 35% of the wealth IN THE WORLD. They would rock mad Escalades and Cristal and bitches, but doing so would cut into their homeless dude profits.

There are also several other mind-boggling assertions that piss this dude (who sounds like the singer from every motherfucking band on the radio right now) right the fuck off, including how he's married, how he fucks too many underage girls, and how women don't like to be sexually harassed. And then, he invites you, yes YOU, the humble listener, if -and only if- you feel like he does, put your middle fingers up and... do something. I think sing along. Because, let's face it, we all are totally pissed that our wives don't like it when we fuck too many underage girls, or when we squeeze on random girls' asses and they don't appreciate it. I mean, what the fuck, right?

I realize that these things I've described are probably the modus operandi of every modern rock band out there right now, and my lack of exposure to them betrays me as the out of touch dorkus that I am. I also realize that it's pretty absurd for me, a guy whose favorite song used to be "Stripped Raped And Strangled", to be offended by lyrics.. but I am. That's life for you. I will happily listen to songs about rape, torture, and murder, because those songs are tongue in cheek and there's no way anyone could take their shit seriously. It's like a Nightmare On Elm Street movie with distortion. But shit like this Theory Of A Deadman bullshit, that's real. These raging assholes drip with sincerity, and it fucking bums me out, big time. I bet these guys are really popular, too. Because society loves a clown, especially gravelly voiced bromo clown with serious bedhead and permanent 5 o'clock shadow.

He was a bad guy?

Jim Jones killed 'em with kindness. Also Kool-Aid. But, really, mostly kindness. Beware of that "hope" thing, it'll fucking get you kidnapped and murdered by an anti-racist, left-wing living god.

People ask where Murder City is...

DO YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCKING MURDER CITY DEVILS ARE?

They are probably one of the best alcohol-fueled, fire-starting, party-smasing bands in the history of planet motherfucking Earth! It would be easier for me to list the songs of theirs I don't like than it would be for me to list the songs of theirs I like. So here goes; these are the Murder City Devils songs I don't like:

1) fucking none of them.

These guys kick so much ass and slay so much gash you should go to sleep at night wishing you were them. Your soul deserves the Murder City Devils.

Recommended starting points: Dear Hearts, Everything In This Town, Idle Hands, Rum To Whiskey, Alcohol, No Grave But The Sea, I Drink The Wine, and their cover of I Can't Seem To Make You Mine.

Seriously, these guys are the heart and thumping soul of rock and roll.