Upon re-reading this blog, I notice that I am prone to repeating certain points; such as post-racialism, what I like about the Republicans, and my love for Eric Holder. I just wanted to let you know that this is not because I am trying to pound my agenda into your heads, dear readers. Rather, it is because 90% of the blogs are posted when I am fucking hammered.
My brain, while swimming in a sea of bourbon, will cry out to me: "The internet needs to know how you feel about Rush Limbaugh!" And my body obeys, unquestioningly. I am, quite frankly, amazed that any of my posts thus far are even legible, much less meaningful. But, somehow, they are. And I would like to thank you for reading them, people whom I know are reading my blog - AND people whom I don't know that are still reading this blog. I promise to try and be less hammered in the future, as it seems to affect my general writing ability as well as my health.
Cheers.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Because of all the anal rape..
I used to do drugs.
I am not a recovering addict.
Nor am I one of those drugs = marijuana and mushrooms kind of guys.
There are very few drugs I can think of that I haven't done, on a professional (i.e. extremely heavy) level. Cocaine, heroin, crystal meth, non-crystal meth, ketamine, mescaline, ecstasy, prescription drugs, you fucking name it. The only drugs I haven't done are PCP and DMT. The only drug I have ever been addicted to was herion, because heroin is the only drug you can physically be addicted to. I have never felt, mentally, that I needed a drug. Heroin will make you physically sick as fuck if you don't have it, and even that can be overcome with some good music and a nice brick of hash/bag of marijuana.
That is why I am not a recovering addict: I have never felt, psychologically, that I needed any drug. Once I stopped doing drugs, I have never felt a compulsion to go back to them.
But the other day, I saw a commercial that featured this gem: "Meth.. the cause of all your problems" or some silly nonsense like that. That commercial has it all wrong, and take it from me, your former drug user guru:
DRUGS ARE NOT THE PROBLEM, DRUGS ARE THE SOLUTION TO YOUR PROBLEMS.
Are you behind on your bills? Maybe your relationship with your wife/girlfriend/parents/kids/friends isn't all you hoped it would be? Does your job demand too much of you? Or maybe, just maybe, life itself has just got you in a rut? That's alright, a solution is at hand. And that solution is..
DRUGS.
Drugs will single handedly solve all your problems. Well.. they won't solve them. But they will consolidate them. A sincere drug user will not be bothered by petty problems like bills, human relationships, or life in general. Their only concern is the drugs. Crystal Meth will single handedly obliterate all of life's problems and replace them with one central message: GET MORE CRYSTAL METH.
Nothing else will matter.
And this applies to any drug you can work up a sincere affinity for. As long as it has enough grip on you to consume your every waking moment, you've got a serious problem consolidator. The half-human pieces of shit you see on the evening news, living in unspeakable squalor, children unfed, no electricity, no water, no hope.. they aren't hapless, uneducated junkies: the are problem consolidators. They had too many problems, and through good old fashioned American Ingenuity, they were able to work all of those problems down to one problem: DRUGS.
These people are the American Dream.
Girl, you know it's true.
I am not a recovering addict.
Nor am I one of those drugs = marijuana and mushrooms kind of guys.
There are very few drugs I can think of that I haven't done, on a professional (i.e. extremely heavy) level. Cocaine, heroin, crystal meth, non-crystal meth, ketamine, mescaline, ecstasy, prescription drugs, you fucking name it. The only drugs I haven't done are PCP and DMT. The only drug I have ever been addicted to was herion, because heroin is the only drug you can physically be addicted to. I have never felt, mentally, that I needed a drug. Heroin will make you physically sick as fuck if you don't have it, and even that can be overcome with some good music and a nice brick of hash/bag of marijuana.
That is why I am not a recovering addict: I have never felt, psychologically, that I needed any drug. Once I stopped doing drugs, I have never felt a compulsion to go back to them.
But the other day, I saw a commercial that featured this gem: "Meth.. the cause of all your problems" or some silly nonsense like that. That commercial has it all wrong, and take it from me, your former drug user guru:
DRUGS ARE NOT THE PROBLEM, DRUGS ARE THE SOLUTION TO YOUR PROBLEMS.
Are you behind on your bills? Maybe your relationship with your wife/girlfriend/parents/kids/friends isn't all you hoped it would be? Does your job demand too much of you? Or maybe, just maybe, life itself has just got you in a rut? That's alright, a solution is at hand. And that solution is..
DRUGS.
Drugs will single handedly solve all your problems. Well.. they won't solve them. But they will consolidate them. A sincere drug user will not be bothered by petty problems like bills, human relationships, or life in general. Their only concern is the drugs. Crystal Meth will single handedly obliterate all of life's problems and replace them with one central message: GET MORE CRYSTAL METH.
Nothing else will matter.
And this applies to any drug you can work up a sincere affinity for. As long as it has enough grip on you to consume your every waking moment, you've got a serious problem consolidator. The half-human pieces of shit you see on the evening news, living in unspeakable squalor, children unfed, no electricity, no water, no hope.. they aren't hapless, uneducated junkies: the are problem consolidators. They had too many problems, and through good old fashioned American Ingenuity, they were able to work all of those problems down to one problem: DRUGS.
These people are the American Dream.
Girl, you know it's true.
If there was justice in the world..
Right now someone should be shooting Mick Jagger in the fucking face while shouting: "This is for the soundtrack to Invocation Of My Demon Brother, you fucking twat!"
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Missed the fucking point, bro
I just heard the worst song I've probably ever heard. It's by this band, Theory Of A Deadman. I don't know what it was called, I heard it on.. ugh.. rock radio. I should probably point out that I listen to NPR if I'm listening to the radio. Failing that, I'm usually listening the Michael Baysden show, slow jam R&B, or our totally fucking badass independent radio station 88.1 KDHX. But NOT rock radio. Not modern rock, not classic rock, fucking none of it. Because it sucks. Bad.
There are no good bands that are getting airplay on modern rock radio, and I mean fucking NONE. And classic rock radio needs to get some new fucking classic rock. It's the same 25 fucking bands and they only play the singles. AC/DC had tons of killer songs, and yet, if you listened to classic rock radio, you would think all they ever did was "Back In Black", "You Shook Me All Night Long", and maybe "TNT".
Anyway, that's besides the point.
Theory Of A Deadman. Some fucking stupid song. The lyrics begin with this crazy awesome proclamation of defiance against this modern society we live in (presented here as best as I can remember them):
I can't stand homeless people
always askin' for change
I've gotta work while
they sit on their ass and get paid
Woah dude! You just fucking blew my mind! Especially since you HAVE TO GIVE HOMELESS PEOPLE CHANGE! It's like the fucking law or something. And you nailed that part, Theory Of A Deadman, nailed that part where homeless people make MAD BANK! I mean, it's like, they could get houses from all the money they were making, but then they would stop raking in all that fuckin' jack, you know? Because it's like, you're busting your ass and only making enough to afford a gram of crystal meth a week, and those homeless guys just sit around, hands out, and collectively account for at least 35% of the wealth IN THE WORLD. They would rock mad Escalades and Cristal and bitches, but doing so would cut into their homeless dude profits.
There are also several other mind-boggling assertions that piss this dude (who sounds like the singer from every motherfucking band on the radio right now) right the fuck off, including how he's married, how he fucks too many underage girls, and how women don't like to be sexually harassed. And then, he invites you, yes YOU, the humble listener, if -and only if- you feel like he does, put your middle fingers up and... do something. I think sing along. Because, let's face it, we all are totally pissed that our wives don't like it when we fuck too many underage girls, or when we squeeze on random girls' asses and they don't appreciate it. I mean, what the fuck, right?
I realize that these things I've described are probably the modus operandi of every modern rock band out there right now, and my lack of exposure to them betrays me as the out of touch dorkus that I am. I also realize that it's pretty absurd for me, a guy whose favorite song used to be "Stripped Raped And Strangled", to be offended by lyrics.. but I am. That's life for you. I will happily listen to songs about rape, torture, and murder, because those songs are tongue in cheek and there's no way anyone could take their shit seriously. It's like a Nightmare On Elm Street movie with distortion. But shit like this Theory Of A Deadman bullshit, that's real. These raging assholes drip with sincerity, and it fucking bums me out, big time. I bet these guys are really popular, too. Because society loves a clown, especially gravelly voiced bromo clown with serious bedhead and permanent 5 o'clock shadow.
There are no good bands that are getting airplay on modern rock radio, and I mean fucking NONE. And classic rock radio needs to get some new fucking classic rock. It's the same 25 fucking bands and they only play the singles. AC/DC had tons of killer songs, and yet, if you listened to classic rock radio, you would think all they ever did was "Back In Black", "You Shook Me All Night Long", and maybe "TNT".
Anyway, that's besides the point.
Theory Of A Deadman. Some fucking stupid song. The lyrics begin with this crazy awesome proclamation of defiance against this modern society we live in (presented here as best as I can remember them):
I can't stand homeless people
always askin' for change
I've gotta work while
they sit on their ass and get paid
Woah dude! You just fucking blew my mind! Especially since you HAVE TO GIVE HOMELESS PEOPLE CHANGE! It's like the fucking law or something. And you nailed that part, Theory Of A Deadman, nailed that part where homeless people make MAD BANK! I mean, it's like, they could get houses from all the money they were making, but then they would stop raking in all that fuckin' jack, you know? Because it's like, you're busting your ass and only making enough to afford a gram of crystal meth a week, and those homeless guys just sit around, hands out, and collectively account for at least 35% of the wealth IN THE WORLD. They would rock mad Escalades and Cristal and bitches, but doing so would cut into their homeless dude profits.
There are also several other mind-boggling assertions that piss this dude (who sounds like the singer from every motherfucking band on the radio right now) right the fuck off, including how he's married, how he fucks too many underage girls, and how women don't like to be sexually harassed. And then, he invites you, yes YOU, the humble listener, if -and only if- you feel like he does, put your middle fingers up and... do something. I think sing along. Because, let's face it, we all are totally pissed that our wives don't like it when we fuck too many underage girls, or when we squeeze on random girls' asses and they don't appreciate it. I mean, what the fuck, right?
I realize that these things I've described are probably the modus operandi of every modern rock band out there right now, and my lack of exposure to them betrays me as the out of touch dorkus that I am. I also realize that it's pretty absurd for me, a guy whose favorite song used to be "Stripped Raped And Strangled", to be offended by lyrics.. but I am. That's life for you. I will happily listen to songs about rape, torture, and murder, because those songs are tongue in cheek and there's no way anyone could take their shit seriously. It's like a Nightmare On Elm Street movie with distortion. But shit like this Theory Of A Deadman bullshit, that's real. These raging assholes drip with sincerity, and it fucking bums me out, big time. I bet these guys are really popular, too. Because society loves a clown, especially gravelly voiced bromo clown with serious bedhead and permanent 5 o'clock shadow.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
He was a bad guy?
Jim Jones killed 'em with kindness. Also Kool-Aid. But, really, mostly kindness. Beware of that "hope" thing, it'll fucking get you kidnapped and murdered by an anti-racist, left-wing living god.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
People ask where Murder City is...
DO YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCKING MURDER CITY DEVILS ARE?
They are probably one of the best alcohol-fueled, fire-starting, party-smasing bands in the history of planet motherfucking Earth! It would be easier for me to list the songs of theirs I don't like than it would be for me to list the songs of theirs I like. So here goes; these are the Murder City Devils songs I don't like:
1) fucking none of them.
These guys kick so much ass and slay so much gash you should go to sleep at night wishing you were them. Your soul deserves the Murder City Devils.
Recommended starting points: Dear Hearts, Everything In This Town, Idle Hands, Rum To Whiskey, Alcohol, No Grave But The Sea, I Drink The Wine, and their cover of I Can't Seem To Make You Mine.
Seriously, these guys are the heart and thumping soul of rock and roll.
They are probably one of the best alcohol-fueled, fire-starting, party-smasing bands in the history of planet motherfucking Earth! It would be easier for me to list the songs of theirs I don't like than it would be for me to list the songs of theirs I like. So here goes; these are the Murder City Devils songs I don't like:
1) fucking none of them.
These guys kick so much ass and slay so much gash you should go to sleep at night wishing you were them. Your soul deserves the Murder City Devils.
Recommended starting points: Dear Hearts, Everything In This Town, Idle Hands, Rum To Whiskey, Alcohol, No Grave But The Sea, I Drink The Wine, and their cover of I Can't Seem To Make You Mine.
Seriously, these guys are the heart and thumping soul of rock and roll.
FUCK YOU, YOU HEARTLESS HEATHENS!
I guess it's confession time.
I am a closet Republican.
At this point, that's tantamount to being an open puppy-raper. But hear me out.
Republicans are the party of small government, freedom protecting, constitution loving individualists.
In theory.
In practice, Republicans are robber-baron slime merchants. Just like Democrats. If Republicans actually stood for the values they so loudly claim to adhere to, it would be hard to find an individual with half a brain who wasn't part of their party ranks. But, of course, the only time the new Republican Party starts talking about small government and individual freedom is when someone proposes legislation that doesn't support their robber-baron slime merchant religious fundamentalist corporate sponsors. When it comes to gay marriage and the phony drug war, Republicans want nothing more than to cram themselves right up your asshole and monitor your every move. But when it comes to setting up government sponsored health-care and helping out working-class families, these worthless, overstuffed cunts can't choke out the words "individual freedom" or "small government" fast enough.
And that's why I support the Democrats (although, to be fair, I would be an Obama supporter no matter what. For all the bullshit rhetoric floating around the punditsphere these days, that guy gets it). Because both parties want to invade your homes and tell you how to live your lives; at least the Democrats will help out people in need rather than telling them to go get fucked.
Republicans have allowed themselves to be controlled by christian fundamentalists and in doing so have barred rational individuals from being able to be involved with them. Michael Steele, despite all the crazy, might be a step in the right direction (no pun intended). He has recently gone on record as saying abortion is an individual choice (it is), and that homosexuality is not a choice (it isn't), and all but condemning Rush Limbaugh as a fucking worthless, blowhard, uninformed motherfucker (he is). For this, of course, the worthless, sanctimonious twats of the religious right have loudly condemned Steele, and there's talk of a vote of no confidence being directed towards him. What a fucking shame. If this kind of individuality and non-religious rationality was allowed in the GOP, maybe they wouldn't be promoting Bobby "let's talk to Americans like they're fucking five and by the way did I mention I am an exorcist" Jindal or Sarah "my family is living proof that the bullshit I preach just doesn't work" Palin as the new faces of the Republican Party.
But then, that's just the rantings of the closet wing of the Republican Party. And I don't mean the Log Cabin Republicans, either.
I am a closet Republican.
At this point, that's tantamount to being an open puppy-raper. But hear me out.
Republicans are the party of small government, freedom protecting, constitution loving individualists.
In theory.
In practice, Republicans are robber-baron slime merchants. Just like Democrats. If Republicans actually stood for the values they so loudly claim to adhere to, it would be hard to find an individual with half a brain who wasn't part of their party ranks. But, of course, the only time the new Republican Party starts talking about small government and individual freedom is when someone proposes legislation that doesn't support their robber-baron slime merchant religious fundamentalist corporate sponsors. When it comes to gay marriage and the phony drug war, Republicans want nothing more than to cram themselves right up your asshole and monitor your every move. But when it comes to setting up government sponsored health-care and helping out working-class families, these worthless, overstuffed cunts can't choke out the words "individual freedom" or "small government" fast enough.
And that's why I support the Democrats (although, to be fair, I would be an Obama supporter no matter what. For all the bullshit rhetoric floating around the punditsphere these days, that guy gets it). Because both parties want to invade your homes and tell you how to live your lives; at least the Democrats will help out people in need rather than telling them to go get fucked.
Republicans have allowed themselves to be controlled by christian fundamentalists and in doing so have barred rational individuals from being able to be involved with them. Michael Steele, despite all the crazy, might be a step in the right direction (no pun intended). He has recently gone on record as saying abortion is an individual choice (it is), and that homosexuality is not a choice (it isn't), and all but condemning Rush Limbaugh as a fucking worthless, blowhard, uninformed motherfucker (he is). For this, of course, the worthless, sanctimonious twats of the religious right have loudly condemned Steele, and there's talk of a vote of no confidence being directed towards him. What a fucking shame. If this kind of individuality and non-religious rationality was allowed in the GOP, maybe they wouldn't be promoting Bobby "let's talk to Americans like they're fucking five and by the way did I mention I am an exorcist" Jindal or Sarah "my family is living proof that the bullshit I preach just doesn't work" Palin as the new faces of the Republican Party.
But then, that's just the rantings of the closet wing of the Republican Party. And I don't mean the Log Cabin Republicans, either.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
OPEN LETTER TO RUSH "I AM THE SIZE OF A FUCKING PLANET" LIMBAUGH:
We have all heard your comments to CPAC over the last few days, and while I am far too flabbergasted and downright confused to rebut them piece by piece, I would just like to offer this to you: Conservatives have not had their asses handed to them in the polls and elections lately because they are not getting out the conservative message, or because no one knows what you're about. America has had a conservative Republican president for the past 8 years - where the fuck were you? Oh, that's right.. the hillbilly heroin. Sorry. Or maybe this news hasn't reached you through your gravitational pull yet, so maybe I can break it down for you:
THE DIRECTION THE COUNTRY IS HEADED HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH REGULAR AMERICANS NOT BEING AWARE OF REPUBLICAN VALUES. WE ARE FULLY AWARE OF WHAT YOUR VALUES AND GOALS ARE, AND WE ARE REJECTING THEM.
The "massive socialist spending agenda" that you vocally decry was instigated by your poster boy G.W.B. Remember? When it was the banks, all your right wing buddies were happier than pigs in blankets to shell out billions. Once blue-collar, working class auto factories were in trouble, suddenly the right wing of the American Eagle got crippled and the word "socialism" started getting thrown around, like it still means shit to anyone born around the period when the wall fell.
You know what? Maybe if you stuck to your true principles: small government, individual freedom, and state power you'd have more support. As it is, Bush expanded government powers and spending to an obscene level (small government?), the Republican Party is the de facto party of the failed war on drugs, anti-abortion legislation, and anti-gay legislation (individual freedom?), and undermining state sovereignity (California legalized medical marijuana. Why were federal agents under Bush raiding the fuck out of Californian pot dispensiaries?). Maybe America has decided since you both want to fuck up our lives and interfere with our personal business, going for foreign joyrides on our dime, we might as well take part in the party that wants to control our personal lives but wants to help us out through liberal social programs rather than support the part that wants to dictate the regulations of our day to day lives and leave hard working people to get fucked when times are tough.
If you really want to get back the American hearts and minds, why not try to be the party of "Get the fuck out of Americans' lives, we have a Constitution that says as much and we're the party that honors it"?
Just saying, maybe you'd have better luck with that.
THE DIRECTION THE COUNTRY IS HEADED HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH REGULAR AMERICANS NOT BEING AWARE OF REPUBLICAN VALUES. WE ARE FULLY AWARE OF WHAT YOUR VALUES AND GOALS ARE, AND WE ARE REJECTING THEM.
The "massive socialist spending agenda" that you vocally decry was instigated by your poster boy G.W.B. Remember? When it was the banks, all your right wing buddies were happier than pigs in blankets to shell out billions. Once blue-collar, working class auto factories were in trouble, suddenly the right wing of the American Eagle got crippled and the word "socialism" started getting thrown around, like it still means shit to anyone born around the period when the wall fell.
You know what? Maybe if you stuck to your true principles: small government, individual freedom, and state power you'd have more support. As it is, Bush expanded government powers and spending to an obscene level (small government?), the Republican Party is the de facto party of the failed war on drugs, anti-abortion legislation, and anti-gay legislation (individual freedom?), and undermining state sovereignity (California legalized medical marijuana. Why were federal agents under Bush raiding the fuck out of Californian pot dispensiaries?). Maybe America has decided since you both want to fuck up our lives and interfere with our personal business, going for foreign joyrides on our dime, we might as well take part in the party that wants to control our personal lives but wants to help us out through liberal social programs rather than support the part that wants to dictate the regulations of our day to day lives and leave hard working people to get fucked when times are tough.
If you really want to get back the American hearts and minds, why not try to be the party of "Get the fuck out of Americans' lives, we have a Constitution that says as much and we're the party that honors it"?
Just saying, maybe you'd have better luck with that.
Because your face smells like an old man's balls...
First, some music news:
Bible Of The Devil - Freedom Metal: With a name like Bible Of The Devil, you totally know this band is:
A) Cold and grim
B) Brutal as all-fired hell
C) Stoner as Matthew McConaughey
If you guessed any one of these you are so fucking wrong it makes me want to kill myself. While they do have a few stoner/doom elements sprinkled on them, this hard-rock confection is somewhere between KISS (vocals) and Thin Lizzy (sweet ass guitar attack). It is happy, boogie-down, love-makin' music, all in the name of the devil; which is fucking sweet to me since most bands who play in the name of Satan are kind of a drag. I don't know if these guys are doing it for the sake of irony or not, and frankly, I don't want to know (although I seriously doubt it, there's just something so.. sincere about the whole affair) so I will just keep kicking out the jams to this completely bad-ass band and ask questions never. I highly advise you to do the same.
Bible Of The Devil - Freedom Metal: With a name like Bible Of The Devil, you totally know this band is:
A) Cold and grim
B) Brutal as all-fired hell
C) Stoner as Matthew McConaughey
If you guessed any one of these you are so fucking wrong it makes me want to kill myself. While they do have a few stoner/doom elements sprinkled on them, this hard-rock confection is somewhere between KISS (vocals) and Thin Lizzy (sweet ass guitar attack). It is happy, boogie-down, love-makin' music, all in the name of the devil; which is fucking sweet to me since most bands who play in the name of Satan are kind of a drag. I don't know if these guys are doing it for the sake of irony or not, and frankly, I don't want to know (although I seriously doubt it, there's just something so.. sincere about the whole affair) so I will just keep kicking out the jams to this completely bad-ass band and ask questions never. I highly advise you to do the same.
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