Because of all the anal rape..

I used to do drugs.

I am not a recovering addict.

Nor am I one of those drugs = marijuana and mushrooms kind of guys.

There are very few drugs I can think of that I haven't done, on a professional (i.e. extremely heavy) level. Cocaine, heroin, crystal meth, non-crystal meth, ketamine, mescaline, ecstasy, prescription drugs, you fucking name it. The only drugs I haven't done are PCP and DMT. The only drug I have ever been addicted to was herion, because heroin is the only drug you can physically be addicted to. I have never felt, mentally, that I needed a drug. Heroin will make you physically sick as fuck if you don't have it, and even that can be overcome with some good music and a nice brick of hash/bag of marijuana.

That is why I am not a recovering addict: I have never felt, psychologically, that I needed any drug. Once I stopped doing drugs, I have never felt a compulsion to go back to them.

But the other day, I saw a commercial that featured this gem: "Meth.. the cause of all your problems" or some silly nonsense like that. That commercial has it all wrong, and take it from me, your former drug user guru:

DRUGS ARE NOT THE PROBLEM, DRUGS ARE THE SOLUTION TO YOUR PROBLEMS.

Are you behind on your bills? Maybe your relationship with your wife/girlfriend/parents/kids/friends isn't all you hoped it would be? Does your job demand too much of you? Or maybe, just maybe, life itself has just got you in a rut? That's alright, a solution is at hand. And that solution is..

DRUGS.

Drugs will single handedly solve all your problems. Well.. they won't solve them. But they will consolidate them. A sincere drug user will not be bothered by petty problems like bills, human relationships, or life in general. Their only concern is the drugs. Crystal Meth will single handedly obliterate all of life's problems and replace them with one central message: GET MORE CRYSTAL METH.

Nothing else will matter.

And this applies to any drug you can work up a sincere affinity for. As long as it has enough grip on you to consume your every waking moment, you've got a serious problem consolidator. The half-human pieces of shit you see on the evening news, living in unspeakable squalor, children unfed, no electricity, no water, no hope.. they aren't hapless, uneducated junkies: the are problem consolidators. They had too many problems, and through good old fashioned American Ingenuity, they were able to work all of those problems down to one problem: DRUGS.

These people are the American Dream.

Girl, you know it's true.